He tenderly awaits

I haven't done this in a while, but here we go.

As a night shift nurse, my sleeping schedule is not ideal. I sometimes take a step back and just laugh at how crazy my life is sometimes. 

For example, earlier this week I worked four 12-hour shifts in a row and then had one day off then worked another 12-hour shift. So on my one day off, I slept from 10am-5pm, got up and ate dinner and then fell back asleep at 10pm and slept till 9am, then I ate breakfast and did laundry. then slept from 1pm-5pm then got ready for work again. 

You could say I was a little exhausted.

I also, have times where I can't go to sleep until 3am on my off days and wake up at 2pm the next day. My world is topsy tervy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything! Well, maybe day-shift..but that's another topic. hahaha!

These past few months have taught me a lot about myself and about God's relentless love for me and His people.

I never knew I could love a baby so much who wasn't even mine. 

I didn't know that I was even capable of loving that hard. 

Many people will never know or understand what really happens behind the walls of a NICU, but God gave me the pleasure of stepping into this world of neonates and fight for their lives. To love them well when their parents can't be there 24/7. To love them when they are crying. To love them when they rip their CPAP mask off again for the 17th time in one night. To love them when they are septic and dying. To love them when they finally get to go home with their mommy and daddy. 

I am blessed to be able to love hard.

I also, along with learning about loving others, have learned a few other things. 

Through the month of December, I was working a lot. I was eating, sleeping, and working. At least that's what it felt like. Then January came and I began to feel this weight. But still did not realize what was wrong with me. One night, I finally broke. I was on FaceTime with my friend Taylor, and I just broke down. I told her I was tired and upset. I didn't even realize what was going on until I hit rock bottom. I had given myself and given myself and finally I felt the weight of loneliness. As I was crying, Taylor began to read me her journal from the past month starting in December. Her prayers went a little something like this, "Jesus, I do not know exactly what is going on with my dear friend Lindsay, but please be with her and love her well. Jesus, please help Lindsay not feel lonely. Remind her that you love her and you are there for her." My friend new what was happening a month before me. Crazy right? No, not really. That's just Jesus. 

I just love that.

I was reminded that I needed to take more time to be with my Jesus. To remember He is my main man. He was watching over me and whispering to me, "Lindsay, I love you dearly. And I am proud of you."

So, I began to really dive more into God's love for me and His people. 

I realized that I focus so much on loving others, that I forget who loved me FIRST.

I decided to start a study on Hosea. 

I knew that I had read it before and yes, I have read redeeming love. But I just felt the Lord leading me to this book.

At first I was very confused at how this book connected to me. I was reading about how Hosea was commanded by God to love an adulterous woman. Not only love her but have children with her. Then she leaves Hosea. Hosea is commanded by God to seek her out and keep loving her well. And then the book talks about how God keeps forgiving Israel after they worship idols and leave God. 

Then it hit me. 

I leave God. I stray away. I am sinful. I am broken.

But here is this gem..."And I will betroth you to Myself forever; Indeed I will betroth you to Myself in righteousness and justice and in lovingkindness and compassions; Indeed I will betroth you to Myself in faithfulness, and you will know Jehovah." Hosea 2: 19-20.

God watches over His children and when they stray He doesn't just watch idly by. He grieves. He years for our hearts. He pursues us. "He tenderly awaits for us to run back to Him." -SheReadsTruth. 

How beautiful

I am so loved by my Dad. And so are you.

It's pretty sweet.

I am still figuring out this weird season in my life. But, let me tell you. It's much better with Jesus leading me with His love. 

Love well my friends!

Living that Mary and Martha life.

As I sit here sipping my favorite latte outside in the cool breeze, I begin to ponder.

Which usually means I am thinking which then leads to a blog post. 

So, I wanted to share with you a few things I am learning and experiencing.

I became a member of Mosaic Birmingham a few weeks ago.

I sat in a chair while my friends and community laid there hands on me to pray over my heart. To pray over my soul. To pray that Jesus would use me in BIG ways.

I can't describe in words my experience of this fully, but man...It was awesome!

I also hit a wall.

Not a literal wall.

Gotcha!

But really, I felt physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.

It took someone else telling me that I couldn't do it all.

I was working a whole lot trying to pick up overtime to help out the unit since we have been short staffed.

I wasn't reading my bible, because I was just too exhausted. (poor excuse).

And I was emotionally exhausted because working in an ICU for about 17 days straight (as Anna Miller says), is hard on the heart at times.

I finally had 5 days off straight.

What bliss.

I asked Jesus for rest.

Well, I slept for 13 hours straight. That will do it.

I drank coffee. 

I finished Jen Hatmaker's book "For the Love" (Highly recommend).

I called my best friend.

I talked with Jesus.

I also began to learn something...

Here is what I am learning.

As some of you know, My favorite two women in the bible are Mary and Martha. 

If you haven't read, "Having a Mary heart in a Martha World" then you should!

I was reminded this rough week that I was in a Martha funk.

Jesus was saying, "Lindsay, all I want from you is for you to sit at my feet."

I always thought of myself as a sweet little Mary who just sought after Jesus and anointed His feet with expensive oils, but maybe I was not.

I wanted to say yes to everything. To be there for all my friends in there times of needs. To serve at work. 

I had someone remind me that it is okay to take time to rest and to say no and to take time to fill up my cup.

So, I am learning about balance.

Jesus loves a servant's heart, but He also loves for you to just sit with Him.

How beautiful.

Here is to learning to balance.

Also, I have taken up baking. Recipes for anything Fall would be greatly appreciated! 

Adulting is Hard.

Nobody tells you this after graduating, but Adulting is Hard.

Yes, it is a verb.

ADULTING.

So, being in a new city, new job, and new experiences, it has been a whirlwind of learning.

I am learning to trust that Jesus is bigger, He is constant, He is with me, and He is comical.

All these things I knew, but I had to be reminded of it.

Two weeks ago, I felt the weight of the world. 

This world is broken.

All around me I felt lonely, felt like I was failing at work, felt like God wasn't at work with me in the NICU (which He clearly is), and I felt all alone in this BIG world.

I have been attending a church, and I was invited to a worship service called "Elements" on a Wednesday night.

I was sitting there singing along, then all of a sudden I just stopped.

I couldn't sing another word.

I was frozen in my loneliness.

Physically surrounded by loving people, but felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.

So, I sat there. tearing up. 

Then the last song of the night was beginning and I could not sit any longer.

I stood up and moved to the back.

I closed my eyes and just as I was about to start to pray.

A hand touched my back and my new friend Anna said, "Can I pray over you?"

All I could get out was a nod.

Jesus shows up.

He comes in a way that is absolutely beautiful.

I wept.

As the night ended, two other girls came up to me and asked how I was doing.

What a sweet answered prayer for community.

Jesus is Sovereign!

He is GOOD!

All of this to say...

My job at work is not easy. But I am not alone. I am not.

I have my Jesus, new sweet friendships, and a beautiful journey ahead of me.

I am thankful for my new church family, Mosaic. You are too good!

A New Season

A new season.

These past few months have really been a time of running.

Yeah, running. that's what I said. 

No, I have not taken up running. i hate running actually.

I mean this in the way that I feel like these past few months have gone by so fast and finally I am at a point where I need to stop running and breathe.

This past year I have studied countless hours, worried about what my life would truly look like this summer, stressed myself out by putting way too much pressure on myself, I was impatient in waiting for answers that may or may not be answered, cried more than I ever thought I could, and felt an enormous amount of weight on my shoulders.  

Sounds bad doesn't it?

It wasn't all bad though.

God did major work this past year in me and still is.

I distinctly remember crying in the shower after a long day just begging the Lord to give me strength and answers.

Guess what He said to me....

"My Lindsay, just wait."

I began to learn to trust in that answer. 

So, I waited. and waited.

Now, you're probably asking, "Lindsay, what were you waiting on?"

Good question.

This past year I graduated nursing school May 15th.

This past year has been the semester of, "So, Lindsay are you moving back to Texas to work or staying in Alabama? Lindsay, where are you working? Lindsay, Tell me your plans for after college?"

At first it was okay for me to not have an answer. I said, "Oh I don't know yet! But thanks for asking!"

Then it grew to be, "I DON'T KNOW AND IF ONE MORE PERSON DARES ASK ME, I WILL BLOW UP!" 

well...that was a tad harsh, but that's just how it felt on the inside.

I kept praying for answers.

And the Lord kept saying, ""Lindsay, just wait. I have something great in store for you."

So, I waited.

And I prayed.

March 1, 2015.

Lord, I am broken. i feel like I am in pieces. but you know what. you pick up the broken and put them on your shoulder. you make me whole again. you are my everything. you carry me. you carry me through this season in my life. This hard and trusting season. Be with me. I know you won't leave me. I Trust.

And I prayed other prayers like this one.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I want to lay down my fears, worries, stress, anxiety, and tears at your feet. I give and share with you my hopes, dreams, and desires. I would love to work at UAB in the RNICU! I want to serve your tiny children whom you love SO much! I want to sit with their parents and show them care, encouragement, and just sit and listen. I am excited to interview and share with them my heart to serve and love on this unit. Lord, I love you. You are SO GOOD! And I am excited to see your plan unfold. Love, Lindsay

Then I got to pray this.

My Sweet Jesus,

You are incredibly good. you are perfect. i thank you. You answered my prayers! you heard and listened to my hopes, dreams, and desires. i am still in shock. Lord, I am going to be a NICU nurse!! I get the chance to love, care, and serve these tiny babies and their families. I pray you use me for your glory! i pray over my future patients, that you heal them and give them the will to fight and i pray you love them through my heart. i love your tiny children. your children are precious. thank you Lord! you are mine. And i am yours.  -Lindsay

God listens. He knows. 

Even in the dark places, He is there. 

Jesus met me where I was at, listened intently, loved me well, and He was with me through it all.

Now, I want to switch gears for a second.

I want to say something.

I got the job in Alabama. YAY!

But it truly was a hard decision to make.

"WHY? It is your dream job, Lindsay?"

I am in Alabama. 

My precious family is in Texas.

I am going to be honest with you.

It was and is hard to be away from them. 

I love them so much, but you can still love people from afar.

I am following God's path for me.

It was not easy to make the move to Alabama.

I miss them everyday.

But, God is using me here.

I am thankful for a family that understands and is just as excited for me!

Lastly,

I said in the beginning of this past about a new season of life.

"Lindsay, all you have been talking about it is the past?"

I know. I know. I am getting there.

So, now I am in Alabama.

Passed my NLCEX!

Became an RN!

Started a new job that I love!

Now what?

I sit in my new apartment on my day off from work sipping coffee in this new chair my roommate bought wondering what this new season in my life will bring.

And all I can say is, I am SO up for the adventure! 

Whatever the Lord has in store for me, I am ALL in! 

Yes, at times it will be hard.

Because people don't tell you this, but Adulting (the act of trying to act like an adult) is hard.

Like what are taxes, how do you cook real food, and how do I 

But my friend Taylor told me, "Linds, It's okay to not adult all the time." 

So, today I am thankful.

I sit here thankful for a family who loves me, friends who I cherish, a roommate who loves me well and shows me Jesus, and I thankful for a God who listens to my cries and loves me through this crazy thing called life.

Bring on this new season.

I welcome you.

Needles.Blood.And Laughs Galore! (not a queasy post btw..haha!)

I want to share with you a tid bit of my summer so far.

I did go back to the good ol' Pine Cove Ranch Camp for 6 weeks again this summer. 

LeapFrog Forever!

And again, it was a sweet time loving on my little 6th grade nuggets. I cherished every moment with those precious 32 girls. I love them all SO much! It was an amazing experience showing them Jesus and telling them that they are Dearly Loved by the Father! 

I am still processing a lot of what happened at camp, so I want to share what is going on after camp, because God is not only at camp. He is here with me and He is still working!

So, I got home from camp on a Sunday and started a summer internship the following day.

My alarm was set for 6am. I got to work at 7am ready to work. 

I remember that was one hard morning, because I was jumping into something totally new...

 and I was NERVOUS!

I was interning with a family friend at a Dermatologist's office. It is a place where they do day surgery.

Let's just say this was a HUGE change going from being with kids all the time to being with adults all day for sure. 

And it was also different, because I wasn't jumping up and down all the time, yelling cheers, counting to 8 to make sure I had all my campers, and the list goes on. 

It felt so weird to not be at camp raising the flag that morning. I wanted so bad to go back and be with my friends who encouraged me everyday and were always SO positive about life.  We lived life together for 6 weeks, and I missed them so much! 

I kept saying, "Okay Lord, show me why I am here and not at camp anymore! Do something please!"

Well, I started pouring myself into my work. I have been learning a whole bunch from all of the nurses such as how to numb-up patients, assist the doctors during surgery, how to take blood, how to talk to patients and re-assure them, and the list goes on.  It has been a wild experience.

The Lord blessed me immensely with the women I work with.  They are all so hilarious and so sweet to me.  They truly want me to succeed and understand things.  

One lady in particular has taught me more and more what it looks like to be in a deep love with Jesus.  She is one amazing daughter of the King.  The Lord sent me a person who has truly impacted my life in a big way.  I can tell she truly cares about me.  She sends me verses that always apply to my life, continually encourages me, and gives me sweet hugs when I need them (especially after I take off toe-nails at work...yuck!)  And she always provides a good laugh about 24/7! I am going to miss her so much when I go back to school. 

So as I am working day to day, I started learning that the Lord can use me not just at camp, but here in the "real world" too.  That I can impact the people around me by loving them with God's amazing love, showing them Jesus, and just listening to people and digging into there lives.

He is teaching me to be content where I am.

This sounds kind of funny, but I need to learn to share Jesus right where I am. To stop looking forwards and just be me right where I am. 

I have also been worrying about going back to school. I keep doubting my abilities and doubting God to provide certain things for me at school. 

Who am I to doubt God?

He is my everything. He knows what I need and when I need it. 

He is in the midst of comforting me about this next year. 

Don't get me wrong, I am excited, but I am also nervous about a few things.

Here is what it has boiled down to...

God walks with me in my ups and downs. He is always there. And always provides such a sweet love for me. He has got me right inside the palm of His Mighty hand! 

No need to worry. 

I've got Jesus!

Alright, I promise I will tell you all about camp, but I need more time to process. Can't wait to share what Jesus did this summer at camp. He surely did WORK!

Love you deep!

Lindsay, Trust ME!

Have you ever been shaken by the Lord?

Where He has to yell at you to get your attention.

Right now the Lord is yelling.

"Lindsay, my sweet daughter, TRUST ME!!!"

Recently, I was denied a position next year at school. 

No, it's not the end of the world. 

But, it was a part of my plan.

Did you catch that?

It was a part of MY plan.

Dumb thing to say.

But, it wasn't God's plan.

I wanted to lead girls, show them Jesus, and love them deeply.

All great intentions, but not His plan for me in that position.

So, I sat a few days in confusion of WHY.

I wanted an answer of WHY.

I got to a place of, "What's wrong with me? Am I not good enough?"

Bad place to be, let me tell you.

Don't even go there.

I had to re-fill my thoughts with, "My identity is in Christ. I am dearly loved. I am a daughter of the Almighty King. I am His gem."

After getting my head straight, I then began to think.

I think a lot. A lot A lot.

Maybe the Lord is trying to tell me something. 

So I sat in that for a while. Just talking it through with Him and listening. Sitting in His presence. 

Here's what I got.

After not getting what I wanted, am I still going to trust in the Lord that He has a greater plan. That He is in charge and not me? That He is the only thing that matters in life? 

The Lord said, "Lindsay, are you still going to trust me, even though you have no idea what I am doing?"

Yes!

I read in Jesus Calling this week something pretty awesome, and I wanted to share!

"Trust Me in every detail of your life. Nothing is random in My Kingdom. Everything that happens fits into a pattern for good, to those who love me. Instead of trying to analyze the intricacies (details) of the pattern, Focus your energy on TRUSTING ME and THANKING ME at ALL times...I lifted you out of the mire into My Marvelous Light!!!"

I think a lot of times I look at every detail in situations such as this one, and all the Lord wants me to do is trust in Him that it will be okay, and His plans are far better than any of my own hopes or dreams. To let go of my control and give it to Him. It's not worth it.

I am reflecting now. Letting go. Trusting Him. 

I pray to the Lord that in this time I become in a deeper love for Him. I want to learn to love Him more. 

I want to leave with this sweet song.

Nothing I hold onto.

"I lean not on my own understanding,

my life is in the hands of the maker of Heaven.

I give it all to you God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.

There is nothing I hold onto!"

This is my prayer. My cry to the Lord.

My Identity!

Do you ever feel like your heart is about to jump out of your chest?

That you are so anxious, your body goes numb?

That is how I feel right now, but by the end of this, I am hoping I will have a different feeling.

This is my story.

My sophomore year. Third semester of college. Here we go.

I took three science classes and a biblical perspectives class. 16 hours.

It was the hardest semester yet.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LEARNING!

But, three sciences was rough.

There were many many times where I just felt I could not do it.

That I wasn't smart enough.

That I couldn't possibly understand cellular respiration or sodium-potassium pumps or even how the body needs calcium for the muscles to contract.

I remember going home for Fall break and being SO excited to be home! Away from school and those science classes, but I was in for an awakening.

My parents had to sit me down and put my head back on straight.

One of my problems: I LOVE PEOPLE. I love helping them. I love talking with them. I love giving my time to them.

Don't get me wrong, these are all great things, but I also needed to focus on school.

This was a hard lesson to take from them. At the time I was sad, because I thought I was failing them.

I just wanted to make my parents proud of me.

One night, I went over to my grand-big Carlson's room to give her something. She asked, "Hey how are things going? How's school?"

Cue the tears.

I told her how I wasn't doing well. I was failing my parents. How school was so difficult.

She wrapped me in her arms and told me how it wasn't about making them proud. She told me that the Lord created truth and knowledge, so instead of getting so annoyed with school, look at it as honoring the Lord and getting excited to learn about what He created for us to learn! How awesome is that?! All I could do was try my very best and that's all I can do. She told me I was smart. I am a daughter of the King. I am LOVED! 

I will always remember that night with sweet Carlson. 

After this night, I started doing things for the Lord and not for my parents.

I started to enjoy learning about the human body and how it works. And speaking up more in my Biblical perspectives class.

I regained some of my joy!

I frequently had my ups and downs, but who doesn't?

Again and Again I was reminded how loved I was. How I am a GEM! How I am His daughter.

Every time I got down, the Lord would place someone in my life that reminded me that I could do it.

I do not know where I would be without my AOII sisters. Truly.

There were many times where my sisters would just come and give me a hug, give me a Bible verse they read and wrote it on a notecard for me, and just sat and prayed with me! I had sisters place there hands on me and pray over me.

HOW PRECIOUS!!!

Now, I know being in a sorority takes up some of my time, but without them, I would not be where I am today.

I thank the Lord that He placed such sweet girls in my life. They are ALL precious!

He granted me with a hard semester, but I had wonderful women around me on my journey. The Lord blessed me with such fun times with these sisters of mine!

Now, here is where the numbness comes in...

I just finished finals.

And I am not sure yet on my grades.

I'm freaking out!

I keep saying to myself, "Lindsay, you can't fail. You can't. What will I do?! I want to make my parents proud!"

Every time I think this way, I am reminded what Jane told me, "You make the Lord proud, Lindsay. Your best is always enough!" 

I will not let these grades define me!!! My identity is found in Christ. Not these grades.

*breathe in. breathe out*

There is no reason to worry. No reason to get anxious.

BECAUSE, the Lord has got me right inside the palm of His great BIG hand!

Whenever I get the feeling of my stomach in knots, I have to remember I did my very best and that the Lord is proud of me either way!

I hope this gives you a little peace if you are in a position like me right now.

Now I wanted to add at the end of this a short list of some answered prayers over this semester!

PRAISE GOD!!!

New and deeper Friendships:

Lauren Oakley, my amazing study partner, sister, and friend! I love you oakley!!!!

Anna Kathryn, my little, my prayer warrior, a friend that will cry with me and laugh with me! She is one big blessing. I love this girl to pieces!!!

Stevie Carnell: My auntie in AOII. She can make me laugh until I cry. She truly cares for me as I do for her. I am blessed to be her neiceyy!

Carlson Coogler: She gave me pep talks and hugged on me. She truly cares about me and loves me just the way I am. She too is a precious sister!!!
Christina Rickman: My sweet BIG!! I love her so much! She always knows what to say and how to encourage me. She always knows how to cheer me up (sending me NEMO quotes and giving me lots of hugs!) I don't know what I would do without her!

Mary Katherine Parker: I love this girl! She is a precious friend! She always points me to Christ!

Hannah Crane: Such a sweet spirit! She is such an encourager! I am glad to have met her this semester!

Kristen Francisco: This girl is always making me laugh. She is always thinking of others and loving on people. So happy we are so much closer this year!

Alex Da Ponte: She is such a great friend. She always is encouraging me and lifting me up!

A person to start mentoring me while in college: 

Jane Eggenberger. A precious woman of God. A prayer warrior. An amazing role model. I am blessed by her SO much! When I was approached by her during the semester, I was in need of someone who would understand what I was going through and Jane showed up. I am thankful that the Lord placed her in my life.

I would be able to pour into girls younger than me: 

I have the privilege to mentor five of the sweetest girls! They are my new AOII sisters. I cannot wait to watch them grow into wonderful and lovely women of God throughout there college years. They are adorable!!

These were just a few of the wonderful things God did this semester!!

Now, think about what the Lord did in your life this year and go write it all down! It is a great way to thank the Lord for His mighty work!